i'm smiling today

Because it's Friday and Beloved will be home soon.

Because I have the three most beautiful little girls I've ever beheld.

Because I can't imagine that there are people in this world that I would have a better time parenting.

Because the man I share a home & family with is my very bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Because I'm at home with my babes!

Because I've had four successful weeks of implementing a new cleaning & organization system thanks to a good friend who's really, really good at cleaning & organizing.

Because I'm living in the exact place where God wants me.

Because I'm at home with my babes!

Because it's supposed to rain again.

Because we have enough money to pay our bills by yet another example of divine provision.

Because I'm still breathing and living.

Because this morning I sat on the floor, again, with a tiny one on my lap smiling & cooing at me.

Because for nine more days, I'm at home with my babes! Because I love being a wife and mom who's able to devote my days to our home and family without being rushed out the door & gone for so many hours every week. It's been lovely.

happy anniversary

Upon viewing our wedding video and marveling at our first dance recently, Pink said we looked like two penguins when we dance.

Happy anniversary to the only man I'd want to dance with on video, my life-long dancing penguin.

in honor of our pre-BG anniversary weekend

I never imagined having a partner like you. I thought you'd be always happy. I thought you'd always be perfectly shaven or perfectly scruffy, but never in between where you can scratch my cheeks. I thought you'd be always dressed to impress me and always smell good. I thought you'd always like my company. I thought you'd always like the children we'd have someday. I thought you'd always control your temper like a gentleman. I thought you'd always charm me, and that your kisses would always taste good. I didn't get any of those things. I got so much more.

I got a man who is happier with me than I ever saw when we were dating, or imagined before we met. And that man is all the sweeter to me for the times when he's not happy and he is comfortable enough to not put on a facade.

I got a man who scratches my cheeks, as well as our daughters' cheeks, because he's in this home around the clock and his very manly scruff grows faster than even a daily shave can keep up with, and I love that I get to feel the "in between" scruff.

I got a man who sometimes wears sweats and old workout clothes because even though he appreciates fashion and showing off his fantastic body, he knows there are other things in life to worry about than looks. And as far as smelling good? Well, I'll take the just-worked-out or just-woke-up or haven't-thought-of-cologne-in-a-month man over the one I dated, any day. I didn't get to wake up next to that man, and every cologne-scented date came to an end.

I got a man who doesn't always like me, or our children, and isn't afraid to tell me that occasionally. It reminds me that life is real, and not from the movies, and that our marriage is real, and not from my dreams, and that I can always trust his word, because he isn't afraid to tell me truthful things that might hurt my feelings. This man is perfectly content to not like each other at times, knowing that those feelings end quickly and that love and marriage are so much more than temporary likes and dislikes. He has taught me more about love than I could have imagined I needed to learn. And I rest in the understanding of love and marriage that he has given me.

I got a man who sometimes gets furious with me, with life, with our daughters, with other people. His anger is fierce and powerful. But he controls himself enough to keep himself and others from harm, knowing that the emotion of anger is also temporary, and that "this, too, shall pass" is true in life. He has shown me that anger, even when it's directed at me, isn't necessarily destructive. That it can bring health and healing and growth and passion. And he reveals his strength in his anger, both with his fierceness and his powerful restraint. He brings the masculinity our home needs when he's angry.

I got a man who charms me often, but not always, because he knows that in the real world there are floors to clean and cars to repair and work to attend and ... He also knows the sweetness of the occasional - the word he only brings out once in a while, or the deed that is a treat for me. And he knows the power in charming me on a daily basis through simply loving me with his actions, his expressions, and his words, even if they aren't all the stuff of the next romantic comedy. His kisses almost always taste sweet, except for the few that come when I'm too hurt or too exhausted to enjoy them. And when that happens, he kisses my cheek and hugs me instead, until I'm in a place where the kisses I love will taste sweet again. And I am all the better for knowing both kinds of kisses because I am able to cherish every single one of the many, many sweet ones.

I got a man who is so far beyond what I could have imagined - who buys several nights worth of frozen dinners and offers to prepare each one, each night, because I'm exhausted and totally out of creative cooking juices. I didn't bargain for that.

I got a man who tosses aside the sheets in frustration when he has to get up, again, to tend to a crying baby. He then lifts her ever-so-gently, whispers in her ear, and tenderly rocks her back to sleep. All so I can get some extra rest.

I got a man who was praised by a neighbor a few blocks away one morning during our family walk. "You have a great man there!" she said to me. "I remember him out here yesterday with those two girls, really early in the cold, so you could get some sleep. Now I see why, with that pregnant belly. Good man, that one!" I didn't bargain for that, either.

I got a man who isn't full of sermons or religious philosophy like the pastor-type I thought I'd marry. This man is real, and his faith is raw, won through many battles that started when he was very young. He teaches me more about God and about faith than a sermon ever could.

I got a man who could fill not one post, or even a week's worth of posts, but an entire blog. I could make it a tribute to him. But then I'd spend all my time writing about him rather than living life with him and he's just too good to miss out on. He's not at all what I wanted -- he's so very, very much more.

Happy Anniversary, Babe

it's been a big week around here

Monday: A student whose dad's cancer was taking a turn for the worse informed me that his dad is now getting better. My own dad died shortly after my sister's graduation, so this was an emotional high.

Tuesday: There were too many stories to tell about my seniors who completed their mock interviews that day with community members. Many were "hired" on the spot. There was a lot of high-fiving that day. One student, who was failing until the end, came to me and thanked me for calling her mom about the 'F' in my class. She said that her mom yelling at her, and knowing that I had cared enough to call, was exactly what she needed to get her you-know-what in gear and do the work necessary to pass my class. She will now graduate, and she actually thanked me for getting her iin trouble!

Wednesday: Pink had her very first haircut of any kind (I've never even so much as trimmed one stray hair). She went to my normal salon and my normal guy did her hair. She's been a big girl for a while now, but it felt official yesterday.
ALSO, Lizzie "crawled"! She can now move to both sides, backward, AND forward! She does this thing where she lifts up her knees, plants her heels on the floor, and dives toward the ground to move forward. And the girl is practically unstoppable now.

Thursday (today): I have said my piece to all 100 of my seniors, signed stacks of yearbooks, handed back final exam results, and given out final grades. I have hugged, high-fived, and patted on the back. After a year of pushing, prodding, and pulling, and after having a 40% failure rate in one class just two months ago, I was able to tell every single one of my students, "Congrats! See you next week at graduation!" My heart is swelled with emotion.

Friday: We leave for a long drive to Phoenix, where Beloved will be the most handsome groomsman that ever lived, and Pink will be the most excited little flower girl that ever lived. Plus, we get to see my brother & sister-in-law's new house (first time buyers - exciting!), and meet our new niece, Katelyn.

And somehow, after an emotional week of successes & triumphs & life changes, I will do my best to not be in a puddle of tears on Sunday night when I watch 2 of my favorite people walk down a church aisle. No promises, though.

true love

When Beloved greets me at the door with a kiddie bowl in hand that has small, dark crumbs, and informs me that he saved the brownie crumbs for me when he was washing the brownie pan, I know he's in this marriage for the long haul. That's real love, my friends.

you know it's your second child when...

...you wait a mere six months to start planning an overnight getaway, sans kids, with the intent to make it happen ASAP, nusring mom or not. I'm thinkin that the third child gets left behind after approximately 2 days of sleeping through the night, and that subsequent children are sent home from the hospital before mom, just so she can get some alone time in.

"i'm done with this"

For almost two months now, Beloved has been staying home every Monday to take care of the girls. Pink loves this, and Lizzie is getting some bonding time in with Daddy, plus he gets to watch the girls grow and learn things like how to sit up and what the "Reverse" card in Uno does.

We are all better for the time he spends with them while I'm at work and, for many reasons, I wish this weren't just a one-year arrangement. This one phrase struck me as so funny, so powerful, and gave me such a sense of solitude (much like his realization a couple weeks ago that a friend wrote about):

"I'm done with this." Not actually done, but tired of trying to make the 4 month old feel better through all-day-long fits with her sore gums; tired of having someone he loves stop by without notice; tired of trying to carry laundry, a baby, and a 3 year old's book at the same time; tired of doing all of this while exhausted because he stayed up too late the night before and little ones are merciless when it comes to waking up in the morning.

So when he said those words at 7pm, after 12 straight hours of crying, no naps, and everything else that comes with a normal day, I sent him to veg with a Klondike bar while I did both baths. He came up for a dose of giggles and then went straight back downstairs.

He's getting a break while I'm on Easter vacation and then he's right back at it in April. He'll be so happy to be back at home with the girls, carrying the weight of that responsibility. And now he understands me just a little bit more.

And I think he resembles Superman just a little bit more.

livin' like no one else

Our small group is painstakingly working through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. One of the main things he tries to drive home is the idea that sacrifice & responsibility now pay off later in huge ways. His slogan, "If you live like no one else, later you can live like no one else" is repeated throughout the program.

This morning Beloved and I were trading texts about growing old together and toasting to 60 years someday. In one of those "awww..." moments, he wrote "I want to live with you when we're both riding around in wheel chairs. Maybe we can even afford electric wheelchairs!"

And we realized right then just what Dave meant by living like no one else: we'll be able to roll like no one else.

pretty

Growing up as a girl who wished she'd been born a boy, one of the worst things I could be called was "pretty". It was made even worse when "pretty" was used in conjunction with my nickname: "Jenny (ughh), you're so pretty (gag)."

However.

In response to Beloved's recent sport bike purchase (my Christmas gift to him as a testosterone outlet amidst yet another girl), I sent the following text message in the middle of an impromptu morning of dancing at home:
You can have your bike & your testosterone; I have pretty girls who like to giggle & dance & sing & wear pretty clothes with me. Oh, my HEART!

I'd say the acceptance of my femininity is complete.

Daddy: "Pink, do you know how long Mommy & I have been married? 7 years!"

Pink: "Wow, that's a long time! (pause) When I get older are you going to marry me, Daddy?"

Daddy: "Sure."

Pink: "And we will listen to the Sleeping Beauty song while we dance? And then the dragon will come..."

Daddy: "But I will protect you!"

Pink: "No, I'm not going to be Sleeping Beauty at our wedding."

Daddy: "Oh. Who are you going to be?"

Pink: (completely straight-faced)"Pink."

Daddy: "Oh. Well, of course."

happy anniversary

So maybe this conversation happened on the phone tonight:

My little brother: "Hey, I just called to wish you guys a happy anniversary. Too bad we aren't in town, or we'd watch the girls for you."

Me: "Oh, that's alright. I'm just picking up broken glass from the Pyrex that exploded on the stove while I was making dinner, leaving butter and glass everywhere; and Beloved is watching the Tinkerbell movie, changing a diaper, and cleaning up spit up."

Little brother (who has been married 2 years and has no offspring): "Wow, I guess anniversaries change over the years."

Me: "Yup. Just a little bit."

But I still wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Thanks for my favorite 7 years & a whole lot of memories.

do i need anything?

He texts me on a particularly horrible day to say: "I'm on my way home. Need anything?"

My reply? "Sanity, time to get all this paperwork done. Oh, and a big suite in La Valencia in La Jolla w/ a comfy king bed, a spa tub, a gorgeous view, wine & room service, my husband, and about 20 hours of peaceful sleep."

So, no. Nothing you can pick up at the store. But thanks for asking.

cravings

The text sent to Beloved upon his baby's-already-in-bed run to Cazadores, a Mexican food joint, after I'd just said I didn't want anything:

"I would love an apple pie from mcdonalds plz. & a small fry. No. Med fry. & some of ur Cazadores. & I think that's all. Thx pregnancy husband!"

he's back on my good list

He can't be all bad if, even after my inspiring beauty sleep, Beloved sends me this text message out of the clear blue sky:

"I have a captivating wife who makes the straight and narrow exciting!"

I guess I can let go of the horse comparison thing.

uh-oh

Ladies,
Something is seriously wrong when your pregnant "beauty sleep" inspires your husband to make the following remark:

"Sawing logs? No you weren't sawing logs. My dad saws logs. That was more like horses!"

Which leads me to wonder, if God wanted the family to stay in tact and the husband to stick around, why in the world did he make pregnancy so ugly?

I must defend myself by noting that I did not snore on my previous pregnancy, and I most certainly do not snore on any kind of regular basis. Thank you very much.

in his defense...

Beloved isn't shunned by Pink all the time. He is still the only one who can make her laugh a certain way (and it's precious), she still calls out to him every morning, and he's upstairs right now reading a goodnight book to a very happy little girl. She loves her daddy. And she also ignores/shuns him. Poor guy. I guess he can be thankful that I've prepared him somewhat for the roller coaster that is living with a female!

lessons from a father

For some reason, Pink has been giving her daddy a really hard time for a few months now. She loves and adores him, she needs him, and she misses him when he's gone. But at least a couple times a week (or a couple times a day), she refuses to talk to him, touch him, or even look at him. This might go on for a few seconds or for over an hour.

He feels crushed inside. He pursues his daughter, his beloved little girl, the apple of his eye, and he is flaty rejected. Sometimes she's rather indifferent. Sometimes she's just plain mean. I did this to my dad, too, at this age. I tell Beloved that, but it doesn't lessen the sting.

It occurred to me today, though, that Pink bears a striking resemblence to the modern-day me, not just the two-year-old me. Doesn't God pursue me relentlessly? Doesn't he seek after me every day because he loves me and is passionate about me? Don't I turn away sometimes, not in anger or because I don't like him, but because there is something that catches my attention at the moment? Don't I ignore his beckoning at times? Haven't I had times in my past when I consciously walked away because I specifically didn't want to be with him?

If you have a daughter who is pursued by your beloved, then you know the heartache that comes with rejection (I speak only of daughters because that's all I know; could quite easily be the same way with sons). You've watched his face fall. Even if he recovers quickly and remains calm and loving, you see your husband's eyes wish she wouldn't turn from him.

Encourage him as he demonstrates God's pursuit of her, teaching her how very loved she is. What a high calling!

I'm off to lift up my husband. But first I'm going to my Father to ask for more grace, that I might never casually ignore him or turn from him even for a moment.

God help us

Just for kicks, Beloved introduced me to a certain ACDC song entitled "Got You by the B*lls." Lovely, I told him. And what did Pink do? She rocked out and danced like we've never seen before. She even threw her sippy cup across the room!

We're gonna have to watch her all the way to the front of the church. Oh, Lord, my heart can't handle this!

what i learned on mother's day

Beyond all the pampering, TLC, and appreciation doled on me today, Beloved also gave me this valuable lesson:
"frittata" can sound quite similar to "free tat@s"

To think I could have lived my whole life without knowing that. What would I have done?

to my husband

If you didn't love me as much as you did, you surely would have left a long time ago. It takes some serious love and devotion to walk through this life with me.

Thanks for loving me so much.
Thanks for making dinners for 8 straight weeks, just because I was nauseous, even though you hated it.
Thanks for going to my doctor's appts with me.
Thanks for taking Pink out on dates a couple times when I desperately needed sleep.
Thanks for smiling at me when you come home to a messy house, a cranky wife, a dog that needs TLC, a hungry toddler, and a frozen meatloaf for dinner.
Thanks also for telling me often that I have the very important full-time job of growing a baby - it helps me get through the days when I seem to get nothing done.
Thanks for supporting me with work and with counseling, even though you have to make sacrifices.
Thanks for wishing we had the money for me to stay home with our kids.
Thanks for being patient with me when I don't deserve it.
Thanks for not complaining about how bad things get sometimes.
Thanks for helping me to see the bright side of things.
Thanks for valuing me.

Thanks for being exactly who you are. I wouldn't trade my life with you, crazy though it may be, for anything in the world. I love you.