my girl

Pink woke up crying tonight. Not a full-blown scream, just a small whimper that grew gradually. I went in to her after a couple minutes to help her settle down. At first, I got in bed with her and shhhhed. She just kept looking at me with tired eyes that were full of pain from being awake. Then I whispered, "Mama's here" one time and she was asleep in a second. Just like that. And I was awestruck at the effect I have on her, even as she grows up little by little. I couldn't help but cry just a little as the fierce love I have for her welled up inside.

Just a couple of hours ago, I was thinking about how crazy I was to feel a sense of loss as she grew from a newborn into a big baby (10 pounds?!). But staring at her tonight, I was glad for that grief I felt because it made me savor the moments with her: the way she looked in the moonlight, the way my mind could go from a dead sleep to completely alert at the smallest sound, the way she could drive me up the wall.

So my house will continue to stay imperfect, my schedule will continue to be less jam-packed than it could be, and I will continue to enjoy waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I can sneak in and look at her.

Because I know that one of these days, I'll glance up expecting to see a bouncy little girl. Instead, Lord willing, I'll gaze at a beautiful woman, dressed in white, walking to meet her new man. And I'll cry all over again. But I hope they are the tears of fierce love and not tears of regret.

This is one lesson I'd rather not learn the hard way.

friends

I’ve read a few blogs lately that expressed gratitude for friendships. Now it’s my turn.

Within a month, we had several doctor’s visits, 5 infections of various sorts, & lots of sickness treatment for asthmatic Pink. We emptied out our kitchen completely twice, moved out of our house for 24 hours twice, completed a fantastic lay counselor training, attended small group sporadically, and worked full time. All this during my first trimester.

Through it all, we received emails, phone calls, and blog comments for encouragement. We received dinner three (3!) times, and it was very yummy every time. (Dilenna, I’m sorry I still have your pan; Jane, I’m sorry I still have your Tupperware). We have had Pink watched when daycare wasn’t available. And mostly we have been covered in prayer.

Thank you, friends! We are beside ourselves with gratitude, especially since family is a long drive away.

yikes

If I needed confirmation that my Starbucks addition needed to be put in check, Pink gave it to me.

She uses anything cylindrical to serve as a cup, and anything long and skinny as a pen, and she says to me, "Mama, you want a single-grande-mocha? OK."

She then pretends to write on the "cup" and hands over to me my single-grande-mocha-with-no-whip.

a new name

Beloved officially has a new name around our house:
"my best friend, Dada."

Oh, be still, my heart! She's in love...

something like that

Pink stopped nursing at 18 mos, over a year ago, yet she continues to talk about mama's b**bies and the "whole milk" that used to flow for her. Naturally, with a new baby approaching, I started to get a little nervous about her reaction to turning over her prized possessions to a little sibling. So I started talking with her about what will happen when the baby comes. I asked her if she would help and show the baby what to do. She was beyond excited and with hand motions, delivered the following:

"Mama, I help him (she's convinced she's having a brother) wif your b**bies and show him and hold your b**bies for him and he dwink milk from your b**bies! And dada have a little baby and his little baby dwink milk from dada's little b**bies and I have a little baby and my little baby dwink milk from my little b**bies! And I help the baby to dwink from your b**bies!"

I never thought I'd hear the word so many times in 30 seconds, nor that my husband would be delivering and subsequently brea*tfeeding a baby of his own. Who knew?!

why won't you love me?

I selected you from among many. "You," I thought, "are perfect. The one I've waited for. The one I need." I've cared for you. I've looked out for your best interest. Hours upon hours we've spent together late at night, both needing something from the other. And you're quitting on me, giving up.

First it was my blog page. You single-handedly ruined my new design and threw my page back into the most basic of layouts, tossing aside all that I had worked on.

Now you have lost interst in me altogether. You quit for no reason. You slow down and take your precious time when I need you most. And you have even turned that hidious blue color, refusing to do any work what-so-ever.

Computer, dear computer, why do you leave me now? Don't you know that I need you? That you are my connection to the world at large? Please don't go computer; I promise to always love you if you stay.

2 down (well, up, i guess)

Beloved was spared a pink slip, and he, too, was the last one standing among new hires! Both of us would have been the very next person to go; both of us still have jobs. Still not sure about whether or not we have a house, but it's nice to have jobs and silly little things like, say, health insurance for our asthmatic daughter and our womb-dweller.

God is good. Nothing new there.

does he know to whom he speaks?

"I have to gorge myself every time I eat just to keep weight on. Stupid running. It makes me lose weight and shrinks my pecs."

Seriously?

1 down, 1 to go

No pink slip for me! I can keep my current job for another year. Yea!

Now we're waiting to see how many people Beloved's company lays off. But I still have a job. :) And God is always good, no matter what the circumstances.

the things i quote

I'm not all that crazy about the fact that I can find a Dora quote to suit any situation in life.

i'm about to pay these kids

to take their baked doritos outside of my room and never, never, never bring them back. Turns out that Blue/Mini-Pink isn't fond of them, and he/she lets me know by churning my stomach and turning it in knots until I think I'm about to lose everything I've eaten in the past week. Preggie pops are doing nothing. I wonder what the going rate is for baked doritos.

And in my defense, said students are not mine. I share my room with another teacher who apparently can't see the bright yellow poster that bars food and drinks in the classroom. If they were my students, paying them off would be entirely unnecessary.

in the interest of fairness...

it must be noted that Beloved stayed home with Pink on Monday to take care of her so I could go to work and not have to call in a sub. He also lost just as much sleep as I did, administered just as much medication, sat with us in Urgent Care for two hours on Sunday afternoon, and is completely devoted and helpful. Lest I sound like an ungrateful complainer after my rant yesterday. I'm quite blessed to have him.

um, i love you too?

I spend three nights awake all night long, with only a couple hours of sleep each night. I lovingly reassure Pink that I love her while I fight every one of her 38 lbs to stay still and administer countless doses of inhalers, motrin, ear drops, and bubble gum medicine through shrieks. I call up Grammy during a dinner-time tantrum and have Grammy put Minnie Mouse on the phone to cheer her up. I patiently redirect her when she loses her focus 18 times while cleaning up her toys at the end of a very long day, knowing that she's too sick for timeouts right now. I distract her in the middle of a senseless tantrum with a game of "where'd the binky go?" when she desperately needs to calm down and go to sleep. And what do I get in return?

"Mama, can dada cuddle snuggle wif me?"

After I say, "Sure, sweetie, can mama snuggle, too?" she says to me, the woman who has been making daily sacrifices for her since about eight months before she was born,

"No, get out of bed."

I love you, too. And since you've cost me about 21.5 hours of sleep during the past three days, I'm going to bed and dada can have you. But first I'm going to call my mom to say sorry and thank you.

**after this forsaking episode, she asked me to rock her in my chair and sing to her. she also blew me kisses and signed "i love you" so i guess i can let things go.

the most expensive bugs ever

pest control company coming in "with guns blazin'" (I just think that's funny - it's what the guy actually said):
15 dollars

last minute hotel reservation at Embassy Suites (so she can nap, we said) because we cancelled our trip to Phoenix & couldn't return to stubborn-bug haven for 24 hours:
234 dollars

medicine for mama's stomach flu, sinus infection, and morning (all day) sickness, plus Pink's ear infection:
39 dollars

meals and emergency "I'm actually going to either vomit or pass out right NOW if you don't get me some food":
$54 dollars
(that's where the Embassy comes in handy - free, made-to-order breakfast that even a pregnant woman can appreciate)

sleep lost when a sick 2 y.o. came into bed with us from 11 til she was up and at 'em at 5:
6 hours

getting to hear the unabashed excitement while a 2 y.o. dances around, hardly able to control herself, yelling, "Guys, wook, is downtown over dere, and panes, and boats, and see downtown right dere? Guys, MOM, DAD, WOOK!!!" from our upgraded, 12th floor, city- and bay-view suite:

priceless (unless we have to spray the remaining 217 stubborn bugs, in which case we will certainly be finding some couch to sleep on somewhere and will NOT be paying 209 for a room at the Embassy Suites. but it was fun for a night)

why do we do what we do?

Why, for instance, would we plan a six-hour drive to start at the very moment that the pest control guy finishes "coming in with guns blazin'", when driving in the car makes me even more nauseous than I feel while stationary, and I have a sinus infection? Why? All in the name of a family visit and relocating (to the trash can) the little roach-wannabes that have taken up residence in our kitchen (which has to be completely emptied out, every dish, every everything, sometime between loads of laundry and packing). Why?

I'm convinced that in heaven, schedules never get too full. And since there is no sickness, road trips never involve sinus infections or nausea.

uh oh

Either I’m losing it or you can just call me Abraham. I think it’s the former.

Beloved works in construction (sort of); I work in teaching. The public sector in California is beyond hurting right now because our lovely legislators are cutting like it’s going out of style. The private sector is hurting & Beloved was warned that layoffs are likely.

Here's the losing it part: I’m actually excited in a strange way for two layoff notices, a foreclosure, and a new baby to hit our home within six months. Why would I be excited? Well, because if God does all that, he must have something pretty big up his sleeve. So we’ll see just how big it is. Or how much we’re spared & blessed if we keep our jobs and our home.

choosing joy

God keeps taking away from us things that we desperately want. But as I work to let go of those things, like my idea of how far apart siblings should be spaced (2 years), he is so good to open my eyes to the beauty in the family that we have.

If this pregnancy were a year earlier like we wanted, when Pink was only 1, she probably wouldn't have come over to me as I struggled to get up off the couch, told me she was sorry I was sick, gently pulled the blanket off of me, and told me, "Mama, I help you. I take good care of you." Throughout our lunch of PB&J, she kept telling me she would take good care of me.

Now how's that for a serious benefit to a little extra spacing between Pink and her sibling?

baby comin'

That's what I had Pink tell daddy when I learned I was pregnant back in October. We had pink & blue balloons, a teddy bear, and a double picture frame with Pink's newborn photo on one side and a pink & blue announcement on the other: "Daddy, replace this card with a newborn photo on Father's Day 2009." The face of that baby is known only to God.

This time around, there is less pomp & circumstance, but no less love. In mid-October of this year, Lord willing, a little one will have many newborn pics taken of him/her, and frames all over the house will be filled.

For now, I snack on a steady diet of crackers, yogurt and PB&J, thankful that at least I know things are humming along so far at only 7.5 weeks.

And seriously, how does anyone survive a pregnancy once they've already had a baby? Last time I spent evenings on the couch. This time, though Beloved, bless his heart, takes care of dinner, I'm giving baths, tucking in, etc, etc.

This is only the beginning...