rain

The weatherman promised me rain. He said it two or three days in a row earlier this week, holding it out there, baiting me, telling me that the warm, sunny days would finally hide for a while behind dark gray clouds and drizzle. I held my breath, anxiously anticipating some wet stuff.

It's 75 and sunny outside today.

I wish I could say the same for my insides. The holidays have so far been harder than I expected. I had finally arrived at a place where the Dec 19th anniversary of my dad's death, plus his absence at the holiday table (or phone call home) was merely melancholy. It didn't feel raw, just sad. Things were good. I was healthy. I'd grieved and cried, I'd processed and coped, I'd healed quite a bit. I liked it.

But as I entered Thanksgiving tired and sick, the sudden reality of my non-pregnant state hit me hard. As soon as I knew the baby was gone, I grieved the loss of a Christmastime pregnancy. After being pregnant during the summer last time, I was relishing the cute Christmassy tops I would buy. I anticipated being able to feel kicks, and to rub on little bumps from feet sticking out of my tummy (ok, maybe that would have come after Christmas, but I was hoping).

Something about the arrival of the holidays, though, made this loss much more real. And I'm raw once again. It feels like five years ago all over again. And as the world has attacked me this past week (no joke - it's been a week when I've been assalted left and right) and I've not had time to stop and find support, the rawness of my heart has increased.

Last night it started to make sense to me. I knew I had been grieving. I knew the 10 days of sickness and lack of sleep were wearing on me. But last night I realized that, just as I was starting to come to terms with this miscarriage, I have been thrown back into the turmoil of grief.

And it's raining on the inside.

This time around, though, I'm striving to find joy in the midst of the stinging pain. I'm not going for happiness or giddiness, but for joy in knowing that Jesus, who suffered tremendously, came that his joy might be in us. In fact, the name of the blog was inspired by that verse.

Don't you just love when God gets ironic? I thought I was being so spiritual with the name of my blog; God was thinking of the challenge it would provide for me only months later: turning to my Source of joy in the rain.