my girl

Pink woke up crying tonight. Not a full-blown scream, just a small whimper that grew gradually. I went in to her after a couple minutes to help her settle down. At first, I got in bed with her and shhhhed. She just kept looking at me with tired eyes that were full of pain from being awake. Then I whispered, "Mama's here" one time and she was asleep in a second. Just like that. And I was awestruck at the effect I have on her, even as she grows up little by little. I couldn't help but cry just a little as the fierce love I have for her welled up inside.

Just a couple of hours ago, I was thinking about how crazy I was to feel a sense of loss as she grew from a newborn into a big baby (10 pounds?!). But staring at her tonight, I was glad for that grief I felt because it made me savor the moments with her: the way she looked in the moonlight, the way my mind could go from a dead sleep to completely alert at the smallest sound, the way she could drive me up the wall.

So my house will continue to stay imperfect, my schedule will continue to be less jam-packed than it could be, and I will continue to enjoy waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I can sneak in and look at her.

Because I know that one of these days, I'll glance up expecting to see a bouncy little girl. Instead, Lord willing, I'll gaze at a beautiful woman, dressed in white, walking to meet her new man. And I'll cry all over again. But I hope they are the tears of fierce love and not tears of regret.

This is one lesson I'd rather not learn the hard way.

friends

I’ve read a few blogs lately that expressed gratitude for friendships. Now it’s my turn.

Within a month, we had several doctor’s visits, 5 infections of various sorts, & lots of sickness treatment for asthmatic Pink. We emptied out our kitchen completely twice, moved out of our house for 24 hours twice, completed a fantastic lay counselor training, attended small group sporadically, and worked full time. All this during my first trimester.

Through it all, we received emails, phone calls, and blog comments for encouragement. We received dinner three (3!) times, and it was very yummy every time. (Dilenna, I’m sorry I still have your pan; Jane, I’m sorry I still have your Tupperware). We have had Pink watched when daycare wasn’t available. And mostly we have been covered in prayer.

Thank you, friends! We are beside ourselves with gratitude, especially since family is a long drive away.

yikes

If I needed confirmation that my Starbucks addition needed to be put in check, Pink gave it to me.

She uses anything cylindrical to serve as a cup, and anything long and skinny as a pen, and she says to me, "Mama, you want a single-grande-mocha? OK."

She then pretends to write on the "cup" and hands over to me my single-grande-mocha-with-no-whip.

a new name

Beloved officially has a new name around our house:
"my best friend, Dada."

Oh, be still, my heart! She's in love...

something like that

Pink stopped nursing at 18 mos, over a year ago, yet she continues to talk about mama's b**bies and the "whole milk" that used to flow for her. Naturally, with a new baby approaching, I started to get a little nervous about her reaction to turning over her prized possessions to a little sibling. So I started talking with her about what will happen when the baby comes. I asked her if she would help and show the baby what to do. She was beyond excited and with hand motions, delivered the following:

"Mama, I help him (she's convinced she's having a brother) wif your b**bies and show him and hold your b**bies for him and he dwink milk from your b**bies! And dada have a little baby and his little baby dwink milk from dada's little b**bies and I have a little baby and my little baby dwink milk from my little b**bies! And I help the baby to dwink from your b**bies!"

I never thought I'd hear the word so many times in 30 seconds, nor that my husband would be delivering and subsequently brea*tfeeding a baby of his own. Who knew?!

why won't you love me?

I selected you from among many. "You," I thought, "are perfect. The one I've waited for. The one I need." I've cared for you. I've looked out for your best interest. Hours upon hours we've spent together late at night, both needing something from the other. And you're quitting on me, giving up.

First it was my blog page. You single-handedly ruined my new design and threw my page back into the most basic of layouts, tossing aside all that I had worked on.

Now you have lost interst in me altogether. You quit for no reason. You slow down and take your precious time when I need you most. And you have even turned that hidious blue color, refusing to do any work what-so-ever.

Computer, dear computer, why do you leave me now? Don't you know that I need you? That you are my connection to the world at large? Please don't go computer; I promise to always love you if you stay.

2 down (well, up, i guess)

Beloved was spared a pink slip, and he, too, was the last one standing among new hires! Both of us would have been the very next person to go; both of us still have jobs. Still not sure about whether or not we have a house, but it's nice to have jobs and silly little things like, say, health insurance for our asthmatic daughter and our womb-dweller.

God is good. Nothing new there.