Pink woke up crying tonight. Not a full-blown scream, just a small whimper that grew gradually. I went in to her after a couple minutes to help her settle down. At first, I got in bed with her and shhhhed. She just kept looking at me with tired eyes that were full of pain from being awake. Then I whispered, "Mama's here" one time and she was asleep in a second. Just like that. And I was awestruck at the effect I have on her, even as she grows up little by little. I couldn't help but cry just a little as the fierce love I have for her welled up inside.
Just a couple of hours ago, I was thinking about how crazy I was to feel a sense of loss as she grew from a newborn into a big baby (10 pounds?!). But staring at her tonight, I was glad for that grief I felt because it made me savor the moments with her: the way she looked in the moonlight, the way my mind could go from a dead sleep to completely alert at the smallest sound, the way she could drive me up the wall.
So my house will continue to stay imperfect, my schedule will continue to be less jam-packed than it could be, and I will continue to enjoy waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I can sneak in and look at her.
Because I know that one of these days, I'll glance up expecting to see a bouncy little girl. Instead, Lord willing, I'll gaze at a beautiful woman, dressed in white, walking to meet her new man. And I'll cry all over again. But I hope they are the tears of fierce love and not tears of regret.
This is one lesson I'd rather not learn the hard way.
4 comments:
ugh. i needed to read that today.
this morning i was thinking that sometimes i am tempted to hide in my room. its so overwhelming sometimes.
but those moments make it worth it. thanks.
I welled up reading that- and I was even thinking of Pink! Don't even get me started on what I would do if I thought of Odie in a white dress...you needed a disclosure statement before that one.
I've been thinking a lot about how I wouldn't trade the now for anything- I'll be glad when they're both out of diapers and glad when they stop being childish- but I couldn't trade that for the cuddles and trust of right now...
those moments DO make it worth it, and a pan of these brownies (thanks, melissa):
http://www.girlymama.com/girlymama/2009/03/try-this-brownie-pudding.html
Yep- I welled up too- thinking of both of my girls in white dresses. You are right, we need to savor every moment- even the crazy ones. I always look in on the girls before I go to sleep, there is something so peaceful about it. And when I get in bed with Ashlynn when she's had a hard night, she gets her face as close as she can to mine and puts her arm around my neck- those moments I defnitely savor!!
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